


I Say a Little Prayer

by queentangerine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Castiel Praying, Episode: s09e09 Holy Terror, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Human Castiel, even though we all know what happens next
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-08 10:38:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1131662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queentangerine/pseuds/queentangerine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas is human and confused, and Dean has once again sent him away. He needs help, and despite the fact that most angels want him dead, he decides to pray.</p>
<p>3rd person from Cas' POV. His thoughts and motivations.<br/>Takes place during the scene in 9x09 when Cas prays, words of prayer taken directly from the show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Say a Little Prayer

The average person only prays when they need something. This has held true throughout the ages and is likely to hold for many more. The truly devout may on occasion have more genuine intentions, but even so there is always an endgame, same for all. Admittance through the pearly gates and into heaven.

But didn’t they know to whom they were speaking? Surely they thought they did. A loving god, who wanted nothing for them but happiness. A team of vigilant angels, ever willing to lend a hand. It may even have been true at once, but now… Cas could barely remember such a time.

All those people utterly clueless to the dominoes falling up in Heaven, the years of chaos and war. Still, they knelt beside their beds and prayed, thanked God for their good fortune and asked him to send more their way. But God was gone, and only a precious few angels were still listening, even fewer responding. The rest were entrenched in deadly squabbles, forming factions that fought to near extinction, before falling in line behind the next entity that claimed they held the answer.

With each new leader, the promises grew grander yet farther from the original ideals of heaven. The number of unanswered prayers were piling up, collecting dust in the corner of some forgotten place.

And now here he was, about to add his own to the thousands, millions already screeching out over the radio waves. How is his any different from theirs? One more cry for help. Hoping that he could make it to heaven. Now he was just like any other… _human_.

He thought he had understood what that meant, but he had long since realized his naivety. As an angel he viewed human existence as simple – or maybe simple was the wrong word, but never had he imagined it to be so complex. Even spending years on Earth had taught him nothing about fitting in, and he desperately wanted to belong.

There was nowhere else for him to go. The angels were barred from heaven, their war raging across the earth, casualties abound – but he thought he might be okay for once, that he would enjoy being human. It would take some adjusting, sure, but he had his friends. Maybe this was what he needed. He decided to at least temporarily shove all though of angels to the back of his mind and just concentrate on _living_ for once. For a long time he believed he didn’t deserve too.

Now, however, he was beginning to realize that maybe he had been better off as an angel.

 

_“Okay, um… I’m unfamiliar with this end of the process.”_

 

He’d never prayed before, not really. As an angel it was more a means of communication between his brothers and sisters. Or a way to speak to God, back when he thought his father was actually listening. As a human, prayer was a whole other beast, one he wasn't even sure how to begin to tackle.

 

_“Of course, no one may be listening, uh… but I do need assistance.”_

It was wishful thinking of course, that he could stay out this fight. After all, he was the cause of it. But this time, he didn’t think he’d have to face it alone.

He was used to being on the receiving end of the prayer, granting assistance instead of asking for it. But the last few years those prayers grew quieter. They were still there, but buried under the weight of his own perceived righteousness, his grand schemes for the greater good.

Only the voice of one man rang clear, after all this time.  Sometimes Cas would just hear him say his name, or a hope that he was safe, a wish that Cas was there with him. Sort of accidental prayers he wasn’t sure he was supposed to hear, but they were nice all the same. But mostly – mostly he was asking Cas, begging him to come dig him out of whatever hole he’d fallen into while trying to save everyone, never able to save himself as well. It was always up to him to swoop in and save his friend.

But Dean had stopped praying to him. Although maybe it was just that in his human state he could longer hear him. Sometimes he thought he could hear him, but it would fade just as quickly as it came, and he knew he’d imagined it. The infrequent phone calls, only hearing his voice jumbled across telephone wires, it just wasn’t the same. Wasn’t enough.

Where was Dean now? Now that their roles were reversed, and it was Cas who needed help. He had given everything for Dean, and now…

 

_“I have questions and there seem to be no answers.”_

If he were an angel he would know, or at least be able to find the answers for himself. He… wasn’t _useful_ as a human, and everyone seemed to be aware of it. Dean didn’t even want to be near him in his present state for fear that his fragile human existence would cause trouble, get in the way. Instead of being an asset he would just be a burden.

But surely his friend still needed him. If he couldn’t find the answers for them on his own he would do all he was able to find someone who could. Then they would listen to him.

 

_“I wouldn’t presume to ask for help if I weren’t desperate, but I_ need _help.”_

He had failed miserably at being an angel and now he was failing at being human. He was alone in the wild and the lions were closing in.

 

_“I’m lost.”_

He had no one to pray to, no friends left, but here he was nonetheless. Just another desperate human.

 

_“I need guidance.”_

He didn’t want to repeat his mistakes, not again. But he’d never been this lost, this alone. This silence was killing him. Spending weeks upon weeks on his own.

Wasn’t anyone listening?

He’d been praying for hours.

 

_“Please, hear my prayer.”_

But it was no use. And there was all this maddening, deafening silence – in his head, all around him. But silence was preferable to his thoughts, echoing around inside his head.

 

_“I don’t know how humans do it.”_

Prayer gives humans hope, because they believe someone is always listening and watching over them, even if they never see them. But Cas knew there was no one watching out for him. Not this time.

He’d prayed all day to no avail.

There was nothing else he could do. Nothing left to say. He couldn’t take the silence anymore and he needed to drown out his thoughts.

He walked over to the TV. If he was going to be alone and human he might as well embrace it, do as they do, waste time by watching scripted lives. He tried a couple of knobs, but the screen stayed blank.

 

_“Try plugging it in.”_

The voice came from outside the motel room door. At first he was confused, but then he realized. Maybe his was it: his prayer is answered.

He crossed the room and opened the door hesitantly.

 

_“But surely that wasn’t the answer you were seeking.”_

Cas just smiled; all was not lost. A spark of hope was rekindled somewhere within him, and he said –

 

_“You’re an angel.”_

 


End file.
